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lostinlove1

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times change [13 Jul 2009|12:48am]
little journal im sorry iv been so cold
life is odd. love is good, family too
weird not having a job

but i keep smiling cus some one once wrte me a tille note that said

"smile more, ur cuter when you do"


yea 4 years later it still repeats in my head :)


love lizzy

up date. [25 Feb 2008|11:16pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

 wow.

so yea a month after i wrote my last entry me and scotie broke up.
it was really bad. like no other one. wow now that i think about it this lj has EVERY break up in it. it really is my little diary,
any ways yea he asked me to move out and said he still loved me and wanted to be together....then never talked to me again.
well till about 7 months later, and then we hooked up a few times. hahah nothing like hooke up with an ex. its a really weird thing, im not sure why i was going over there, maybe because i still love him, and i love the fact that he wanted me there. ior maybe it was to flaunt in his face how much weight i lost and how good i look post break up, i think it is a little of both. 
yea i took it really bad. to tell you the truth it really by far was the worst i have ever felt with a break up. and it lasted forever! really. im still thinking about him every day, but the first 5 months was hell the first 2 weeks was suicidal. i moved in with tristan, and she was great really trying to help. but we just needed our oun place expecailly me,  i really needed to find out who i was again , but yea i cryed for 3 weeks non-stop. and i was a compeletly difrent person. i stayed out till 4 am every night and be fucked up and sleep all day skiped class alot and did stupid shit.
some thing i wish i didnt too. but none of that materd when i started seeing scotie again. 


but oh fucking well....

right?

i know this shouldnt be going in and out of my mind all day but it does, what if?

but then i just  smack myself in the head.


yea well school is getting really hard but im doing ok not really but im geting by.
work blows 
but i really am trying to make things work. just lattley i feel like im going to have a crazy melt down.
im just really sick of never stoping to have time for me. 

well good night.
 

love lizzy

fuck life [19 Jun 2007|12:39am]
[ mood | crushed ]

wow its been a while

you know im only on here when something is truly bothering me.

and what is it today?

lets start with school- 
the semester is almost over. and the next one starts next week. oh my god. i need a few things for school, but i just cant afford it. i tryed to ask for help from my mother, but she wasnt verry helpfull to say the least.
im really scared i didnt pass anatomy. im nervus about pathology and kiniesyology (SP) and im scared to work on the public. oh for thouse of you who dont know im going to school to be a massage theropist and holistic health prac. its fun but alot of work, 

ok then there is work, i just started as a 3rd key, but i feel like the other key holders are totaly dumping their work on me, witch sux because i thought they had more respect for me,. but whatever it just makes me look better when i can do 3 jobs in one little body lol

and my car sux!!! i go from el cajon to texas street for school and home thats 1/4 a tank off gass...then i go to work after school witch is in alpine...so thats another 1/4 to get ther and back home...thats 1/2 a tank of fucking gass a day!!!! takes 45 to fill it. fuck i have a gass hog i hate it! but i dont make alot of money so i cant get a loan. oh and it over heats up to alpine if its above 80 degreas outside! lame as fuck.
then there is the bigest problem....

scotie. 

this week marks our 1 year and 2 months but i have this weird feeling he no longer wants to be a part of me. i just feel like he wants out. hes never happy. iv never felt so rejected by him. like he doesnt want me around...problem is i fucking live with him. i feel like i should move out because i feel he wants me to. but i really dont want to because i think it would make thing worse.  i dont know what to do. its a daily thing for me to cry because of something he said or did. and i keep blameing myself and telling myself i did wrong. but i havent,. all i do is try to be around him. idk what to do any more. its hard to keep a relation ship going when u go to school at 730 then go to work after till 930pm. 

im tierd, worn out, scared, all i want is for scotie to want me like he did. 

i want to die!!!!

im fucking done now. i give up. no more. i want out!!!!!!!!!


fuck fuck fuck i get so mad when i think about all this shit,

{1} love lizzy

[14 Jan 2007|01:42pm]
i did it again. i dont know why. its been over a year, its a hard thing to explan i dont know why it came back to me, scot was mad i was hurt. i feel lost why did i do it i was doing so good. now hes even mader. i shouldnt have showd him. he never understood it when i talked about the past. i should have known he wasnt going to be here for this shit. the worst part is i want to do it again.
{1} love lizzy

[29 Aug 2006|09:46am]
[ mood | depressed ]

dood life sux some times.

desi left for boot camp. its weird u know someone for 10 years and now there gone. alot of my good friends have left to get there lives started. im not sure what im going to do. i want to do hair i think but from what i have heard its not good money. iv wanted to do culinary school for years but now that dosent apeal to me. but any ways.

my bestfreind is having a really hard time today. and thats not going to change for a long time. 
 i love her to death and dont want to see her like this. if i were her i would have given up along time ago.  i think i would have split when i found out. but shes so strong to stick with it. and im going to help her any way i can. finacualy emotionly and physicaly. any way i can. shoot ill stay up all night with her. 

i really need to see that iv changed in a good way. people keep tlling me how great of a turn around iv done. that iv becom something, that im on the right track in life but i dont see it. all i see is me being tierd weak and deprested. i fell like maybe my friends and family life have changed some for the good and some not. but the way i feel is the same. im not any more happier. well in the sence of  every day to day life. im happy me and my parents get along. im happy to have a boyfriend that i can trust with everything and im happy to have a friend of o life time who would be there if she thought it was wrong of me.  but im not a happy person. i hate it. between feb and may i was so happy. out all the time having fun working part time. i was doing good. but now im working full time. saying good bye to friends. wishing i was there with them. 

and the wost part is im not the same as i was when i first started dating scotie and i dont have the energy to do the things we did before. i dont have the same drive as i did, im just not me. and it sux.

ok im done being lame. because NO ONE will read this whole thing its too long for people to even care about.

love lizzy

{2} love lizzy

[28 Aug 2006|12:49pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i hate working 40 hours a week.

all i want to do over the weekends and when i get home is sleep!

i dont like staying up late any more. i wish i could.

i go to scoties house on fridays and go to sleep by 11 so he leaves me in the bed and goes out with his friends.

im only 18 i want to have fun!!!

love lizzy

[24 Aug 2006|03:26pm]
[ mood | loved ]

id like to say im in love with scot sachi bremner.


i will love him forever.


moving out in about a month!! yay. i cant wait. 

love lizzy

[22 Aug 2006|08:25am]
[ mood | sad ]

so last night i didnt sleep at all and i dont know why.


then when it was time to get up to go to work i just statred crying.

i couldnt stop.

i just sat in my room in tears. 

then i tryed to get dressted. 
ha
i can fit in any of my cloths

i then just went out side to smoke my life away. and cryed

then my mom got out of bed to see what was wrong. and i really dont know why.

but now im at work still in tears trying to hide.

but i need to chill out and start calling people because thats what my job is about.

i also hate it here and i want to be a normal 18 year old with a part time job and in school. 

i hate today. 

ontop of all this i have to go to my grand mothers house from work today and just sit there with nothing to do, 

i have no idea whats wrong with me. 

i wish it would stop.

love lizzy

[15 Aug 2006|11:02am]
[ mood | curious ]

I have an unfamiliar feeling of uncertainty.


In the last cycle of the earths orbit iv been in this non excitant world I made up.


 Witch I’m recently noticing is not real.


I’m surrounded by an adult world with the mind set of a young teenage girl.


 I have the feeling that things are about to get out of the ordinary for me.


My world’s spinning between the two feelings.


I hid behind the things I have.


Behind this adult world I hid my inner feelings of wanting to just be free and not have a care in the world.


 But yet at the exact moment in time I hide behind the things like friends and loves and fun by reacting as thou I was in the adult world.


To any other human mind this wouldn’t make much sense I’m sure.


Unless your in the years of growing up.


 Not the growing up where you get your heart broken and high school sucks.


The growing up where you’re your own mother and father all in one.


You have to set the rules.


You need to be able to say no.


 as an adult your most likely to ask “and your point?” everyone goes through it.


 But do we as a people over look this cycle a little too easily?


Do we really need to be 18 years old fresh out of high school with a full time job just to be able to go to college?


 Or should we be able to be the teenagers we are and just have fun and enjoy the fact we have the energy to be out all night and have on going fun?

love lizzy

[07 Aug 2006|10:47am]
[ mood | cynical ]

working hard. going to move in to an appartment by the end of september. cool huh? yea. me scoti brittany and jeff.  then ill feel much better. im not to sure if i still want to go to school in sanfisco now. i love my life i have here. i dont want it to change. maybe ill just go to school around here ya know?

no im just waitong to move out. then i will be truley free with i really feel i need. i love my family and all but i just need to do this. its part of life ya know. so yea thats about it. 
i love everyone

thanks nay nay for having me at ur party i had a really good time<33

{2} love lizzy

[31 Jul 2006|11:09am]
[ mood | content ]

yesterday i went to tristans house, i talked to her and everything is good now. it makes me happy. 

got there cryed for a second. said hello to her mom. 

me and tristan talked for a while. it was good.

love lizzy

[28 Jul 2006|02:15pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Mimi)
What's the time?
Well it's gotta be close to midnight
My body's talking to me
It says, "Time for danger"
It says "I wanna commit a crime"
Wanna be the cause of a fight
I wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt
With a stranger"
I've had a knack from way back
At breaking the rules once I learn the games
Get up - life's too quick
I know someplace sick
Where this chick'll dance in the flames
We don't need any money
I always get in for free
You can get in too
If you get in with me

Let's go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You wanna play?
Let's run away
We won't be back before it's New Years' Day
Take me out tonight
Meow- HA!

When I get a wink from the doorman
Do you know how lucky you'll be?
That you're on line with the feline of
Avenue B

Let's go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You wanna prowl?
Be my night owl
Well take my hand we're gonna howl
Out tonight

In the evening I've got to roam
Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome
Feels too damn much like home
When the Spanish babies cry
So let's find a bar
So dark we forget who we are
And all the scars of the
Nevers and maybes die!

Let's go out tonight
I Have to go out tonight
You're sweet
Wanna hit the street?
Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?
Just take me out tonight
Please take me out tonight
Don't forsake me - out tonight
I'll let you make me - out tonight
Tonight - tonight - tonight

love lizzy

this is the last of it [03 Jul 2006|11:23am]
[ mood | content ]

so i know no one will read this so i can say whatever it is i have to say. so here goes. i find it kind of funny yet kind of sad that i thought so much about her. i knew at the start this wasnt anything i could hold dear to me. yet as the years when by i did,. i thought to myself shortly before it all went down wow what a great friend i have. only to be proven wrong. some people never change. some people fool you soo good, but it takes some hard core bitch to be the way she is now. its sad that u want to be this way. but there is no point in trying to talk to someone so devius and cold hearted and crule as you. what i find intresting is that you have fooled yourself also. and everyone around you. but you will learn one way or another. i hope. u wouldnt think it  would take more then driving into a house tho. i didnt think u were that thick.  its a sad thing to see someone you care about waste ther life away.  it was always one thing or another with her. always asking for advice but never taking it.  i havent realy thought much about it till this past week. not beause i miss you, but because im scared for you. i have no sympathy for what you are doing to yourself or what you doing to the people that love you, because i and some few other people have told you that this cant keep going. maybe you will be put in a place where you have no feedum and to tell you the truth thats what you need. its one thing to stop talking to someone because they have done you wrong. but to cut someone off that has, been there when ur parents split up, when you moved, when u had heartbreak, when you were scared when you cryed when you smiled and when u just felt like shit, someone who did everything she could to help you in any way, but got nothing back. all i have to say about that is FUCK YOU you are the most ungreatfull person i know. i hope to god something will smak u in the face and show you what a peice of shit you are.  if i told this to your face u would most likely say "i dont care" witch seams to be your answer to everything. but i think you do care. because if you didnt care you wouldnt have told me the things you have done to yourself. you wouldnt of called me crying. most people would end this with a " i hope your happy" just to sound like they still care and love you you. but for me im going to stick with so long i hope i never hear or see u again. and if i do i will proudly walk by knowing i am a better person then you. and i will not take a second to think "should i talk to her?" because i dont and never will want to. i will never want to put myself around such an ugly person. ugly as in ur insides. because thats what maters in this world. maybe one day u will see that. as for me dont think about me. dont even say my name ever again because i dont want to be in ur discusting mind or mouth.

{7} love lizzy

[29 Jun 2006|07:38am]
[ mood | calm ]

when im in this state of mind i see what i have done to get this far and how im happy to be here. if i think back a year ago and i had lots of fun. but it had no meaning. i didnt see what was comming. all the hard shit and i didnt think i would not be friends with someone now. its funny how u get stuck in a world and u think its ok to be there but u soon relize its not the life u want to keep. because u cant keep it. u have to grow up. and that is a big thing to see. some people dont understand "no i cant get drunk or stoned i have work tomorrow morrning 7am" and when something bad happens to a close friend who had lened on you and needed you for so many things, and then just dumps u because she didnt think it was "cool" to say yea ur right mom dad that is them on the tape. yea it sucks that he has to deal with this shit. but do u know what i also have to deal with. it may not fuck my life over but it wont help me ever get a job as a teacher. iv always wanted to be a 1st gread teacher but i cant even sighn up for the classes now. im stuck with the job i have with no moving up in this comany because of it also. and im not saying that its all on them. but im dealing with my problems and not threating or being mad or not talking to them. i have more class. i know that it was wrong. i know things like this happen in life. so there for, i do not think you have the right to sit in ur little moment and bash on how fucked up i am. get over it. it wasnt a betraile against you. it ws looking out for myself. and im glad i dd. because now i know u were not the kind of friend i would put my life on the table for. i dont even consiter you as one of my friends. u are someone in the past. i will forget your name you face, ur excistance on this world.  

love lizzy

[22 Jun 2006|12:43pm]
[ mood | excited ]

well alot has happend in the past 3 months.

me and my boy are going reat i love him to death. 


rember when left eye lopez died and it was t.c left...yea no more tlc for me...... only a few people would understand that



life goes on. some peoplle just never grow up. 

but any ways thats not important whatg is? u ask?





camping this weekend! yay. its going to be great. 

i love my boy. and this weekend people at the lake better watch out because all of our crew will show u how to camp!

love lizzy

[19 Apr 2006|08:43pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

uumm wow long time eh?

well lets see im now 18 and im having the time of my life. i gots me a new boy...bling bling lol

uumm i have the best friends in the world T.L.C.

and k to the t is a crazy girl who lets me have carzy birthday partys at her house....so yea she rules at life



well the crew is still around they will always be a part of me

jake b
OH-ryan
tyler
nathan


u know how it goes

well thats about it for this up date peace and love

{1} love lizzy

[06 Nov 2005|12:17pm]
[ mood | loved ]

well shit long time.

well lets see what has happend...

i moved out of my house and into my best friends i now go to el cap and not grnite hill :(
uumm i am with harry :)))))

yesterdy i went to knotts with him it was soooo much fun i loved it!

uumm yea thats really it hahahah

<333 muah

{1} love lizzy

[16 Oct 2005|12:44pm]
this weekend has been really good. i was with the tristan and chelsea cody and harry alot it was cool. uumm went to aarons on friday that was fun lol old times. uumm only bad thing is i got waaay hammerd and lost me phona! i have no idea how i lost it but yea it sux. well im at tristans now and we are going out soon. wel much love muah <33
{1} love lizzy

[11 Oct 2005|07:55am]
[ mood | shocked ]

soooo i think the lj is dead.....i tyed to hold on but the myspace just got everyone. this is a sad moment in time. i havent got one comment on this lj in like 2 weeks....its dead.






<3 RIP Live Journal

{2} love lizzy

[07 Oct 2005|05:09pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

well this week wasnt too bad. im really bord so yea my sister is stupid and now i have to get up and kick her ass!!

have a good weekend loves!

love lizzy

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