times change

little journal im sorry iv been so cold
life is odd. love is good, family too
weird not having a job

but i keep smiling cus some one once wrte me a tille note that said

"smile more, ur cuter when you do"


yea 4 years later it still repeats in my head :)


up date.

 wow.

so yea a month after i wrote my last entry me and scotie broke up.
it was really bad. like no other one. wow now that i think about it this lj has EVERY break up in it. it really is my little diary,
any ways yea he asked me to move out and said he still loved me and wanted to be together....then never talked to me again.
well till about 7 months later, and then we hooked up a few times. hahah nothing like hooke up with an ex. its a really weird thing, im not sure why i was going over there, maybe because i still love him, and i love the fact that he wanted me there. ior maybe it was to flaunt in his face how much weight i lost and how good i look post break up, i think it is a little of both. 
yea i took it really bad. to tell you the truth it really by far was the worst i have ever felt with a break up. and it lasted forever! really. im still thinking about him every day, but the first 5 months was hell the first 2 weeks was suicidal. i moved in with tristan, and she was great really trying to help. but we just needed our oun place expecailly me,  i really needed to find out who i was again , but yea i cryed for 3 weeks non-stop. and i was a compeletly difrent person. i stayed out till 4 am every night and be fucked up and sleep all day skiped class alot and did stupid shit.
some thing i wish i didnt too. but none of that materd when i started seeing scotie again. 


but oh fucking well....

right?

i know this shouldnt be going in and out of my mind all day but it does, what if?

but then i just  smack myself in the head.


yea well school is getting really hard but im doing ok not really but im geting by.
work blows 
but i really am trying to make things work. just lattley i feel like im going to have a crazy melt down.
im just really sick of never stoping to have time for me. 

well good night.
 

  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical

fuck life

wow its been a while

you know im only on here when something is truly bothering me.

and what is it today?

lets start with school- 
the semester is almost over. and the next one starts next week. oh my god. i need a few things for school, but i just cant afford it. i tryed to ask for help from my mother, but she wasnt verry helpfull to say the least.
im really scared i didnt pass anatomy. im nervus about pathology and kiniesyology (SP) and im scared to work on the public. oh for thouse of you who dont know im going to school to be a massage theropist and holistic health prac. its fun but alot of work, 

ok then there is work, i just started as a 3rd key, but i feel like the other key holders are totaly dumping their work on me, witch sux because i thought they had more respect for me,. but whatever it just makes me look better when i can do 3 jobs in one little body lol

and my car sux!!! i go from el cajon to texas street for school and home thats 1/4 a tank off gass...then i go to work after school witch is in alpine...so thats another 1/4 to get ther and back home...thats 1/2 a tank of fucking gass a day!!!! takes 45 to fill it. fuck i have a gass hog i hate it! but i dont make alot of money so i cant get a loan. oh and it over heats up to alpine if its above 80 degreas outside! lame as fuck.
then there is the bigest problem....

scotie. 

this week marks our 1 year and 2 months but i have this weird feeling he no longer wants to be a part of me. i just feel like he wants out. hes never happy. iv never felt so rejected by him. like he doesnt want me around...problem is i fucking live with him. i feel like i should move out because i feel he wants me to. but i really dont want to because i think it would make thing worse.  i dont know what to do. its a daily thing for me to cry because of something he said or did. and i keep blameing myself and telling myself i did wrong. but i havent,. all i do is try to be around him. idk what to do any more. its hard to keep a relation ship going when u go to school at 730 then go to work after till 930pm. 

im tierd, worn out, scared, all i want is for scotie to want me like he did. 

i want to die!!!!

im fucking done now. i give up. no more. i want out!!!!!!!!!


fuck fuck fuck i get so mad when i think about all this shit,
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

(no subject)

i did it again. i dont know why. its been over a year, its a hard thing to explan i dont know why it came back to me, scot was mad i was hurt. i feel lost why did i do it i was doing so good. now hes even mader. i shouldnt have showd him. he never understood it when i talked about the past. i should have known he wasnt going to be here for this shit. the worst part is i want to do it again.

(no subject)

dood life sux some times.

desi left for boot camp. its weird u know someone for 10 years and now there gone. alot of my good friends have left to get there lives started. im not sure what im going to do. i want to do hair i think but from what i have heard its not good money. iv wanted to do culinary school for years but now that dosent apeal to me. but any ways.

my bestfreind is having a really hard time today. and thats not going to change for a long time. 
 i love her to death and dont want to see her like this. if i were her i would have given up along time ago.  i think i would have split when i found out. but shes so strong to stick with it. and im going to help her any way i can. finacualy emotionly and physicaly. any way i can. shoot ill stay up all night with her. 

i really need to see that iv changed in a good way. people keep tlling me how great of a turn around iv done. that iv becom something, that im on the right track in life but i dont see it. all i see is me being tierd weak and deprested. i fell like maybe my friends and family life have changed some for the good and some not. but the way i feel is the same. im not any more happier. well in the sence of  every day to day life. im happy me and my parents get along. im happy to have a boyfriend that i can trust with everything and im happy to have a friend of o life time who would be there if she thought it was wrong of me.  but im not a happy person. i hate it. between feb and may i was so happy. out all the time having fun working part time. i was doing good. but now im working full time. saying good bye to friends. wishing i was there with them. 

and the wost part is im not the same as i was when i first started dating scotie and i dont have the energy to do the things we did before. i dont have the same drive as i did, im just not me. and it sux.

ok im done being lame. because NO ONE will read this whole thing its too long for people to even care about.

love lizzy

  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

(no subject)

i hate working 40 hours a week.

all i want to do over the weekends and when i get home is sleep!

i dont like staying up late any more. i wish i could.

i go to scoties house on fridays and go to sleep by 11 so he leaves me in the bed and goes out with his friends.

im only 18 i want to have fun!!!
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

(no subject)

id like to say im in love with scot sachi bremner.


i will love him forever.


moving out in about a month!! yay. i cant wait. 
  • Current Mood
    loved loved

(no subject)

so last night i didnt sleep at all and i dont know why.


then when it was time to get up to go to work i just statred crying.

i couldnt stop.

i just sat in my room in tears. 

then i tryed to get dressted. 
ha
i can fit in any of my cloths

i then just went out side to smoke my life away. and cryed

then my mom got out of bed to see what was wrong. and i really dont know why.

but now im at work still in tears trying to hide.

but i need to chill out and start calling people because thats what my job is about.

i also hate it here and i want to be a normal 18 year old with a part time job and in school. 

i hate today. 

ontop of all this i have to go to my grand mothers house from work today and just sit there with nothing to do, 

i have no idea whats wrong with me. 

i wish it would stop.

  • Current Mood
    sad sad

(no subject)

I have an unfamiliar feeling of uncertainty.


In the last cycle of the earths orbit iv been in this non excitant world I made up.


 Witch I’m recently noticing is not real.


I’m surrounded by an adult world with the mind set of a young teenage girl.


 I have the feeling that things are about to get out of the ordinary for me.


My world’s spinning between the two feelings.


I hid behind the things I have.


Behind this adult world I hid my inner feelings of wanting to just be free and not have a care in the world.


 But yet at the exact moment in time I hide behind the things like friends and loves and fun by reacting as thou I was in the adult world.


To any other human mind this wouldn’t make much sense I’m sure.


Unless your in the years of growing up.


 Not the growing up where you get your heart broken and high school sucks.


The growing up where you’re your own mother and father all in one.


You have to set the rules.


You need to be able to say no.


 as an adult your most likely to ask “and your point?” everyone goes through it.


 But do we as a people over look this cycle a little too easily?


Do we really need to be 18 years old fresh out of high school with a full time job just to be able to go to college?


 Or should we be able to be the teenagers we are and just have fun and enjoy the fact we have the energy to be out all night and have on going fun?

  • Current Mood
    curious curious

(no subject)

working hard. going to move in to an appartment by the end of september. cool huh? yea. me scoti brittany and jeff.  then ill feel much better. im not to sure if i still want to go to school in sanfisco now. i love my life i have here. i dont want it to change. maybe ill just go to school around here ya know?

no im just waitong to move out. then i will be truley free with i really feel i need. i love my family and all but i just need to do this. its part of life ya know. so yea thats about it. 
i love everyone

thanks nay nay for having me at ur party i had a really good time<33
  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical